Goodbye 2011. Hello 2012

I started this year as I do every year trying to just exist and live life and praying that the year ahead would be kind to me and I had through many nights of wishful thinking some how I convinced myself and had expected it to be better. However, this year was hard on me! One of the hardest that I have to endure.

There were incidents, many a personal battle with myself, that have kept me from moving forward this year and as the year progressed I kept getting bombarded with things. It truly felt as if I were carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And just when it seemed that there was a light at the end of a dark, scary tunnel, I lost my best friend, my dog Billy passed away in May. And after that it was a downward spiral for me. One after another these things just kept hitting me, knocking me down and it seemed as if it was determined to kill me, to take me out of this planet once and for all. And I fought, fought with all of my heart to merely live. And let me tell you I learned a lot about myself through this battle. I learned to fight harder than I have ever fought before and I learned that I am stronger than I thought. Stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. The fact that I'm still here, living, breathing and existing is a true testament to that!

While 2011 brought many hardships, it wasn't all that bad. 2011 brought so many different opportunities into my life. My artwork has been featured in several galleries this year. I finally moved into my own house. I started driving! (that's a miracle in and of itself cause I hate driving!!) I met 3 of the most amazing women who have come to mean so much to me! (You know who you are!)

To say that I am happy that this year is over is an understatement. I'm ecstatic. I am not exited for the new year because I believe that it's too much of an expectation and can lead to disappointment. However I am curious. I shall look into this new year with an open heart and start it with a clear mind with no expectations and see where it leads me and for that part I am am excited!!!

I leave you all with the following:

Live and be happy, be merry, and joyful. Try not to live your life in fear as I have because it will only bring on more fear. Face your hardships and pain and try and heal from them. Living in a world of torment is no way to live. And by healing you can open yourself up to move forward. Do not run from yourself and embrace who you are flaws and all because our flaws added to our better qualities are what makes us, us! Open your hearts and love, fully, openly and freely because you never know who will walk into your life in that unexpected moment. Love is undoubtedly the most important thing that we can all give and receive. Move forward into the new year and LIVE without expectations and let life and its moments be it good or bad be your guide. You can learn a lot when you don't expect anything and live in the moment. It is one of the most important lessons I have learned this year!

Happy New Year!!

~F~

My Kindness is My Kryptonite…

My Kindness is My Kryptonite…

Everyone has their flaws and for me my biggest flaw is my kindness. I know what you’re thinking…how can kindness be a flaw? Normally it isn’t but in my case I tend to be too kind…if that makes sense…

I am innately good, so much so that it always lands me in hot water. I’d give you the shirt off my back if you needed it and knowing my luck it would land me in jail for indecent exposure. But that’s another story for a different day. My kindness though it should make me feel good, sometimes makes me feel like shit….

There are some people out there who latch on to people like me, using me, hurting me in the process and take advantage of my kindness. Let me tell you this sucks. I know it’s happening too and I let it because that specific part of me says “be kind, Filly…no matter what, in the end it will pay off” but my pay off hasn’t come yet. I have been screwed over once again. I’ve been dealing with something incredibly personal something of which I cannot share in full detail due to some legal issues involved but it has to do with a former friend. I made some mention of this but the details must stay out of it. This “friend” is someone who I have known for a VERY, VERY long time and this friend took advantage of my kindness putting me in a position that I never expected to land in.

This “friend” of mine confided in me something that this “friend” had done to me in the past without my knowledge, something illegal. And I was put in a really hard position. I understand why this was done but I don’t understand why they just didn’t come to me from the beginning instead of committing this crime. I would have helped, it’s what I do. But instead I was put in a really nasty position. Now I was faced with so many questions… Do I forgive? Do I let it go? What do I do? Do these circumstances warrant forgiveness? Do I do what is right and betray their trust and confidence and turn them in to the authorities even though I understood their motives behind it?” I kept asking myself these questions. And for ever question I asked myself 1,000 more popped into my head. Ultimately I found out that I was not the only person this “friend” had done this too and that helped me to make a decision. Ultimately I betrayed my “friend’s” confidence and trust and turned them into the authorities and now they are in jail.

This was a difficult decision because I truly battled with myself. The kindness instilled in me kept coming up with reasons on why and how I could understand these circumstances. “Everyone has their reasons” and part me didn’t want to betray them. But part of me also had to learn how to forgive them. It was truly a battle. Ultimately I did forgive them….I’m not sure if they deserve my forgiveness but that is just who I am. Maybe they will learn from this, maybe they will not make this same mistake again. I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen when this person gets out of jail. Maybe they will come back into my life and maybe we can rebuild that trust and friendship over or maybe by offering them my forgiveness I have opened myself up to being hurt again. I don’t know but nonetheless I forgave them.

There have been so many other incidents less serious than this one but in the end I always, forgive. I’m always kind to others. And as I mentioned before sometimes some people just latch on to this and they hurt me and I just let it roll off of me because that’s just who I am. And I know, I know I shouldn’t do this that I should be picky with my kindness, that I shouldn’t let everyone in, that forgiveness is a gift and I shouldn’t offer it so easily, that I should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve but I don’t. I don’t because I believe everyone deserves a chance even the cruelest of people and that is my biggest flaw. My kindness is my kryptonite…

Stuck in a Limbo with NO Escape

I hate this place…

Those the words I keep uttering about this job. I’m downright miserable her! A job should not make me this unhappy but fact is I have no choice but to be here. Jobs right now are hella hard to come by.

Day after day I have to deal with constant verbal abuse. Constant criticism… Don’t get me wrong being criticized once in a while is a good thing but when you do something wrong and in that instant a little bit of criticism can make you better at what you do. But, but when you are constantly being criticized for EVERYTHING even the things you do right it starts to take its toll. You start to feel bad about yourself. I do my job well, I have been here for 9 years and I don’t get an ounce of appreciation. I haven’t even gotten a raise in over 5 years. I make bare minimum in the job that I work at when I should be making a hell of a lot more. I have to beg for my paycheck and have fallen 2 sometimes 3 paychecks behind because the person I work for is for lack of a better word an asshole. And talking to them is like talking to a brick wall…you get nowhere.

I’ve gotten so fed up that I’ve stopped caring. I show up late, I do wanna work, I put things off and that is unlike me. I am a hard worker. I have been working since I was 16 and I truly know the meaning of hard work. But in all other jobs that I have had I was appreciated. I do so much for this person to run their office and make sure things flow smoothly and I get nothing in return other than constant verbal abuse and lack of a paycheck I so rightfully deserve. Why do I continue to put up with it? *Sigh* like I said before it’s because jobs are hard to come by. I’ve sent out resume’s and applied at places and I have gotten offers and some jobs are way out of my way and some jobs want me to take a paycut. Would I be willing to travel a bit? Sure, but I can’t drive 3-4 hours to and from each day. That would be pointless and money wasting. And a paycut is not an option for me. So I stay, I stay in misery. We all do what we have to do… I suppose.

But to be honest I would give anything, anything to be done with this place. It’s caused me to rethink some of my priorities. I haven’t been going to school as of late and I’ve been thinking about not dropping out but stopping until I can figure out what I want to do with my life. I wanted to be a vet, I thought it would be perfect to combine two of my greatest loves, animals and science but I realized that I’m way to sensitive to watching an animal die and I just can’t…I can’t…and now it seems as if I’ve lost my way again…

But I’m working on rebuilding my website to maybe sell some of my work. I’ve been featured in galleries and have sold a good portion of stuff but not enough to make a living off of. But I feel like I have to try. I have to do something to be me and art/creativity is in my soul. It burns within me like a fire that refuses to let up and I have to do something with that. I can’t let it fade. I know being a vet is a practical job and being an artist is always frowned up but I never understood that. Talent should not be wasted. And I feel like if I conform to these unwritten rules I would be losing myself in the process and I am…I am losing myself and between that and this job I’m stuck in a limbo that I can’t get out of….

Fear

Fear-a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. (Dictionary.com)

Fear, painful, thought provoking, stress inducing, parnoing, paralyzing, fear. That’s what I have been living with the past year. And this is why. I’ve been getting sick… A LOT! It’s an on and off type of thing be it I’ll catch the flu or a cold very quickly and all in all just general feelings of malice and it’s getting worse as time passes on. I’ve been to doctor after doctor and we’ve tested for things ruled out a # of things but yet we still cannot find what is wrong.

Lately tho, my symptoms have been increasing. I keep throwing my back out, I’ve had this injury for years and it’s never been this bad but the pain, the pain is WORSE, magnified a 1000 x’s more than it use to be and it hurts, it hurts so, so much that I can’t see straight. But the pain just isn’t in my back it’s in my joints, in my head (severe migraines), my hands hurt. If I bump myself, a tiny bump hurts so, so much, a tiny cut hurts so much more than it should. And it’s made me so afraid to even do anything for fear of the pain.

But aside from the pain I have other symptoms nausea, trouble breathing at night, forgetting how to swallow, being near sleep and suddenly waking up unable to breathe, waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air, chest pains at night, night sweats, pain in my legs, more headaches, rapid heartbeat, and then the next day the whole day I feel soooooo tired that I can’t function anymore and all this has made me afraid to sleep. (more fear)

Most of these symptoms are symptoms of Sleep Apnea and MS so I’m going to go to the doctor again as we haven’t tested for these two things but it only brings about more fear. What if I do have one of these? How to I learn to deal with it? How do I learn to function? MS is incurable, sleep apnea while a nuisance is treatable even curable with proper diet, weight loss or even surgery but again back to fear. I’m terrified of going under the knife! I’m terrified that I will not be able to manage this on my own..that I’m not strong enough.

All of these things are wrapped up into one HUGE package of fear… and let me tell you it sucks! It’s made me become sort of a hermit. I don’t like being trapped inside but I’m afraid. Afraid to get hurt (We all know I’m a giant klutz) so I make very little trips, work, home, sometimes my parents and the store if need be, but other than that nowhere. I use to go outside all the time, go see my friends, take the dog to the dog park. I don’t do much of that anymore. And it makes me afraid, what if I can’t ever get the old me back?

*sigh*

The Struggle to Just Live. The Will to Keep On Fighting

It’s been a long uphill battle for me to reach a certain point in my life and the past few years have been especially difficult for me with this year being exceptionally hard. But the fact that I’m still here, still breathing makes me grateful but at the same time it also makes me feel like I wish I wasn’t still here. I know I know I should not feel this way and that what I just said doesn’t really make any sense. But it’s how I feel and I am so conflicted. Years and years of therapy has helped me see things differently and made me want to live and keep going, but sometimes, sometimes…. when one thing gets put on you, and then another and then another and suddenly it’s as if you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, sometimes you just feel like you just wanna give up. And after this past week, with work, and other very deeply personal issues, and some minor ones that have just added to everything, I’ve felt at my worst. I’ve felt like it just isn’t worth it anymore. And that has terrified me shitless!

I promised myself after my last suicide attempt that I would never revert back to that state of mind. But I failed myself, I broke that promise as I am constantly wondering what would happen if I just ended it all. If I just let go of everything and just piss it all away. I’ve also been craving drugs, constantly, not just a pass me by type of thing and it’s really been one hell of a fight. One hell of a huge fight to keep myself grounded, to keep myself from slipping away and falling back into old habits. Because deep down in my heart I don’t wanna leave this earth, I don’t wanna live high as a kite, hiding from the world. All I really wanna do is just live..I wanna freakin’ LIVE! But how do you keep on living when it seems as if the whole world is conspiring against you?

I’ve discussed this question in depth with my therapist and his answer was “you just do, you fight.” And I am fighting, truly fighting but there’s always that but. I’ve mentioned this to him several times. I’m fighting as hard as I can but somedays I fear that one day I won’t have any fight left in me and I will fail again and I will fall right back down to the place where I was at my worst. After all how much can one person take when it seems as if the world is playing a cruel cosmic joke on you? Hurting me, taunting me left and right? This scares me more than anything. But I do it. I do fight because I’ve been near deaths door and I don’t wanna be there again. I don’t wanna feel this way. So I fight and I fight…

Lately I don’t know what’s been happening and maybe it’s a test from something higher than I. But it has caused me to question my ability to fight, to keep on going. This past week has been an especially brutal one. One thing, piling up on another thing, piling up on another thing, caving my shoulders in, begging me to just quit! And this week more than anything I’ve just wanted to quit. But it’s been building for a long time. It’s been ready to cultivate into what it’s become for the better part of the past year…and I’m a giant emotional mess. And I’ve questioned…boy did I question. Lying in bed in the deepest hours of the morning wondering if I should just let go, crying myself into a state of oblivion, gasping for air, wishing that all the pain would just go away. But I am still here…I’m still alive, breathing, trying so hard to fight, to fight off my demons, fight off my addiction, fight off my fears and for that I am grateful. Maybe I passed this test of life? Does this show a glimmer of hope? I don’t know. I’m still hurting, I’m still feeling scared, still fighting and trying not to fail. But the fact that I’m still here, the fact that I did not turn to drugs, or hurt myself…that’s good right?

*sigh*

Eye opening

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am a person who believe homophobia is wrong.

Something to Ponder

Since our past can never be changed and we can't 100% predict the future, we cannot control the present...therefore.....what is will be, what was will always be, and what could be...one day we'll know..........

My Websites QR code!

Have fun with this if you have a mobile device that has a QR reader app! Just scan it and it will take you right to my website

Funny Captcha's

So I was loading a bunch of pictures into a private blog and after a certain amount blogger requires you to enter a captcha...and one of them said grope! There was lots of laughter and maybe a little pee to go along with said laughter LOL!

Crystal Chappell Doodle