Filly's Place

Goodbye 2011. Hello 2012

2011-12-31T21:21:00.002-06:00

I started this year as I do every year trying to just exist and live life and praying that the year ahead would be kind to me and I had through many nights of wishful thinking some how I convinced myself and had expected it to be better. However, this year was hard on me! One of the hardest that I have to endure.

There were incidents, many a personal battle with myself, that have kept me from moving forward this year and as the year progressed I kept getting bombarded with things. It truly felt as if I were carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And just when it seemed that there was a light at the end of a dark, scary tunnel, I lost my best friend, my dog Billy passed away in May. And after that it was a downward spiral for me. One after another these things just kept hitting me, knocking me down and it seemed as if it was determined to kill me, to take me out of this planet once and for all. And I fought, fought with all of my heart to merely live. And let me tell you I learned a lot about myself through this battle. I learned to fight harder than I have ever fought before and I learned that I am stronger than I thought. Stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. The fact that I'm still here, living, breathing and existing is a true testament to that!

While 2011 brought many hardships, it wasn't all that bad. 2011 brought so many different opportunities into my life. My artwork has been featured in several galleries this year. I finally moved into my own house. I started driving! (that's a miracle in and of itself cause I hate driving!!) I met 3 of the most amazing women who have come to mean so much to me! (You know who you are!)

To say that I am happy that this year is over is an understatement. I'm ecstatic. I am not exited for the new year because I believe that it's too much of an expectation and can lead to disappointment. However I am curious. I shall look into this new year with an open heart and start it with a clear mind with no expectations and see where it leads me and for that part I am am excited!!!

I leave you all with the following:

Live and be happy, be merry, and joyful. Try not to live your life in fear as I have because it will only bring on more fear. Face your hardships and pain and try and heal from them. Living in a world of torment is no way to live. And by healing you can open yourself up to move forward. Do not run from yourself and embrace who you are flaws and all because our flaws added to our better qualities are what makes us, us! Open your hearts and love, fully, openly and freely because you never know who will walk into your life in that unexpected moment. Love is undoubtedly the most important thing that we can all give and receive. Move forward into the new year and LIVE without expectations and let life and its moments be it good or bad be your guide. You can learn a lot when you don't expect anything and live in the moment. It is one of the most important lessons I have learned this year!

Happy New Year!!

~F~

My Kindness is My Kryptonite…

2011-12-29T10:34:00.000-06:00

My Kindness is My Kryptonite…

Everyone has their flaws and for me my biggest flaw is my kindness. I know what you’re thinking…how can kindness be a flaw? Normally it isn’t but in my case I tend to be too kind…if that makes sense…

I am innately good, so much so that it always lands me in hot water. I’d give you the shirt off my back if you needed it and knowing my luck it would land me in jail for indecent exposure. But that’s another story for a different day. My kindness though it should make me feel good, sometimes makes me feel like shit….

There are some people out there who latch on to people like me, using me, hurting me in the process and take advantage of my kindness. Let me tell you this sucks. I know it’s happening too and I let it because that specific part of me says “be kind, Filly…no matter what, in the end it will pay off” but my pay off hasn’t come yet. I have been screwed over once again. I’ve been dealing with something incredibly personal something of which I cannot share in full detail due to some legal issues involved but it has to do with a former friend. I made some mention of this but the details must stay out of it. This “friend” is someone who I have known for a VERY, VERY long time and this friend took advantage of my kindness putting me in a position that I never expected to land in.

This “friend” of mine confided in me something that this “friend” had done to me in the past without my knowledge, something illegal. And I was put in a really hard position. I understand why this was done but I don’t understand why they just didn’t come to me from the beginning instead of committing this crime. I would have helped, it’s what I do. But instead I was put in a really nasty position. Now I was faced with so many questions… Do I forgive? Do I let it go? What do I do? Do these circumstances warrant forgiveness? Do I do what is right and betray their trust and confidence and turn them in to the authorities even though I understood their motives behind it?” I kept asking myself these questions. And for ever question I asked myself 1,000 more popped into my head. Ultimately I found out that I was not the only person this “friend” had done this too and that helped me to make a decision. Ultimately I betrayed my “friend’s” confidence and trust and turned them into the authorities and now they are in jail.

This was a difficult decision because I truly battled with myself. The kindness instilled in me kept coming up with reasons on why and how I could understand these circumstances. “Everyone has their reasons” and part me didn’t want to betray them. But part of me also had to learn how to forgive them. It was truly a battle. Ultimately I did forgive them….I’m not sure if they deserve my forgiveness but that is just who I am. Maybe they will learn from this, maybe they will not make this same mistake again. I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen when this person gets out of jail. Maybe they will come back into my life and maybe we can rebuild that trust and friendship over or maybe by offering them my forgiveness I have opened myself up to being hurt again. I don’t know but nonetheless I forgave them.

There have been so many other incidents less serious than this one but in the end I always, forgive. I’m always kind to others. And as I mentioned before sometimes some people just latch on to this and they hurt me and I just let it roll off of me because that’s just who I am. And I know, I know I shouldn’t do this that I should be picky with my kindness, that I shouldn’t let everyone in, that forgiveness is a gift and I shouldn’t offer it so easily, that I should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve but I don’t. I don’t because I believe everyone deserves a chance even the cruelest of people and that is my biggest flaw. My kindness is my kryptonite…

Stuck in a Limbo with NO Escape

2011-12-23T10:20:00.001-06:00

I hate this place…

Those the words I keep uttering about this job. I’m downright miserable her! A job should not make me this unhappy but fact is I have no choice but to be here. Jobs right now are hella hard to come by.

Day after day I have to deal with constant verbal abuse. Constant criticism… Don’t get me wrong being criticized once in a while is a good thing but when you do something wrong and in that instant a little bit of criticism can make you better at what you do. But, but when you are constantly being criticized for EVERYTHING even the things you do right it starts to take its toll. You start to feel bad about yourself. I do my job well, I have been here for 9 years and I don’t get an ounce of appreciation. I haven’t even gotten a raise in over 5 years. I make bare minimum in the job that I work at when I should be making a hell of a lot more. I have to beg for my paycheck and have fallen 2 sometimes 3 paychecks behind because the person I work for is for lack of a better word an asshole. And talking to them is like talking to a brick wall…you get nowhere.

I’ve gotten so fed up that I’ve stopped caring. I show up late, I do wanna work, I put things off and that is unlike me. I am a hard worker. I have been working since I was 16 and I truly know the meaning of hard work. But in all other jobs that I have had I was appreciated. I do so much for this person to run their office and make sure things flow smoothly and I get nothing in return other than constant verbal abuse and lack of a paycheck I so rightfully deserve. Why do I continue to put up with it? *Sigh* like I said before it’s because jobs are hard to come by. I’ve sent out resume’s and applied at places and I have gotten offers and some jobs are way out of my way and some jobs want me to take a paycut. Would I be willing to travel a bit? Sure, but I can’t drive 3-4 hours to and from each day. That would be pointless and money wasting. And a paycut is not an option for me. So I stay, I stay in misery. We all do what we have to do… I suppose.

But to be honest I would give anything, anything to be done with this place. It’s caused me to rethink some of my priorities. I haven’t been going to school as of late and I’ve been thinking about not dropping out but stopping until I can figure out what I want to do with my life. I wanted to be a vet, I thought it would be perfect to combine two of my greatest loves, animals and science but I realized that I’m way to sensitive to watching an animal die and I just can’t…I can’t…and now it seems as if I’ve lost my way again…

But I’m working on rebuilding my website to maybe sell some of my work. I’ve been featured in galleries and have sold a good portion of stuff but not enough to make a living off of. But I feel like I have to try. I have to do something to be me and art/creativity is in my soul. It burns within me like a fire that refuses to let up and I have to do something with that. I can’t let it fade. I know being a vet is a practical job and being an artist is always frowned up but I never understood that. Talent should not be wasted. And I feel like if I conform to these unwritten rules I would be losing myself in the process and I am…I am losing myself and between that and this job I’m stuck in a limbo that I can’t get out of….

Fear

2011-12-08T10:01:00.002-06:00

Fear-a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. (Dictionary.com)

Fear, painful, thought provoking, stress inducing, parnoing, paralyzing, fear. That’s what I have been living with the past year. And this is why. I’ve been getting sick… A LOT! It’s an on and off type of thing be it I’ll catch the flu or a cold very quickly and all in all just general feelings of malice and it’s getting worse as time passes on. I’ve been to doctor after doctor and we’ve tested for things ruled out a # of things but yet we still cannot find what is wrong.

Lately tho, my symptoms have been increasing. I keep throwing my back out, I’ve had this injury for years and it’s never been this bad but the pain, the pain is WORSE, magnified a 1000 x’s more than it use to be and it hurts, it hurts so, so much that I can’t see straight. But the pain just isn’t in my back it’s in my joints, in my head (severe migraines), my hands hurt. If I bump myself, a tiny bump hurts so, so much, a tiny cut hurts so much more than it should. And it’s made me so afraid to even do anything for fear of the pain.

But aside from the pain I have other symptoms nausea, trouble breathing at night, forgetting how to swallow, being near sleep and suddenly waking up unable to breathe, waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air, chest pains at night, night sweats, pain in my legs, more headaches, rapid heartbeat, and then the next day the whole day I feel soooooo tired that I can’t function anymore and all this has made me afraid to sleep. (more fear)

Most of these symptoms are symptoms of Sleep Apnea and MS so I’m going to go to the doctor again as we haven’t tested for these two things but it only brings about more fear. What if I do have one of these? How to I learn to deal with it? How do I learn to function? MS is incurable, sleep apnea while a nuisance is treatable even curable with proper diet, weight loss or even surgery but again back to fear. I’m terrified of going under the knife! I’m terrified that I will not be able to manage this on my own..that I’m not strong enough.

All of these things are wrapped up into one HUGE package of fear… and let me tell you it sucks! It’s made me become sort of a hermit. I don’t like being trapped inside but I’m afraid. Afraid to get hurt (We all know I’m a giant klutz) so I make very little trips, work, home, sometimes my parents and the store if need be, but other than that nowhere. I use to go outside all the time, go see my friends, take the dog to the dog park. I don’t do much of that anymore. And it makes me afraid, what if I can’t ever get the old me back?

*sigh*

The Struggle to Just Live. The Will to Keep On Fighting

2011-12-05T14:04:00.003-06:00

It’s been a long uphill battle for me to reach a certain point in my life and the past few years have been especially difficult for me with this year being exceptionally hard. But the fact that I’m still here, still breathing makes me grateful but at the same time it also makes me feel like I wish I wasn’t still here. I know I know I should not feel this way and that what I just said doesn’t really make any sense. But it’s how I feel and I am so conflicted. Years and years of therapy has helped me see things differently and made me want to live and keep going, but sometimes, sometimes…. when one thing gets put on you, and then another and then another and suddenly it’s as if you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, sometimes you just feel like you just wanna give up. And after this past week, with work, and other very deeply personal issues, and some minor ones that have just added to everything, I’ve felt at my worst. I’ve felt like it just isn’t worth it anymore. And that has terrified me shitless!

I promised myself after my last suicide attempt that I would never revert back to that state of mind. But I failed myself, I broke that promise as I am constantly wondering what would happen if I just ended it all. If I just let go of everything and just piss it all away. I’ve also been craving drugs, constantly, not just a pass me by type of thing and it’s really been one hell of a fight. One hell of a huge fight to keep myself grounded, to keep myself from slipping away and falling back into old habits. Because deep down in my heart I don’t wanna leave this earth, I don’t wanna live high as a kite, hiding from the world. All I really wanna do is just live..I wanna freakin’ LIVE! But how do you keep on living when it seems as if the whole world is conspiring against you?

I’ve discussed this question in depth with my therapist and his answer was “you just do, you fight.” And I am fighting, truly fighting but there’s always that but. I’ve mentioned this to him several times. I’m fighting as hard as I can but somedays I fear that one day I won’t have any fight left in me and I will fail again and I will fall right back down to the place where I was at my worst. After all how much can one person take when it seems as if the world is playing a cruel cosmic joke on you? Hurting me, taunting me left and right? This scares me more than anything. But I do it. I do fight because I’ve been near deaths door and I don’t wanna be there again. I don’t wanna feel this way. So I fight and I fight…

Lately I don’t know what’s been happening and maybe it’s a test from something higher than I. But it has caused me to question my ability to fight, to keep on going. This past week has been an especially brutal one. One thing, piling up on another thing, piling up on another thing, caving my shoulders in, begging me to just quit! And this week more than anything I’ve just wanted to quit. But it’s been building for a long time. It’s been ready to cultivate into what it’s become for the better part of the past year…and I’m a giant emotional mess. And I’ve questioned…boy did I question. Lying in bed in the deepest hours of the morning wondering if I should just let go, crying myself into a state of oblivion, gasping for air, wishing that all the pain would just go away. But I am still here…I’m still alive, breathing, trying so hard to fight, to fight off my demons, fight off my addiction, fight off my fears and for that I am grateful. Maybe I passed this test of life? Does this show a glimmer of hope? I don’t know. I’m still hurting, I’m still feeling scared, still fighting and trying not to fail. But the fact that I’m still here, the fact that I did not turn to drugs, or hurt myself…that’s good right?

*sigh*

Eye opening

2011-11-09T10:33:00.000-06:00

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am a person who believe homophobia is wrong.

Something to Ponder

2011-11-09T10:13:00.001-06:00

Since our past can never be changed and we can't 100% predict the future, we cannot control the present...therefore.....what is will be, what was will always be, and what could be...one day we'll know..........

My Websites QR code!

2011-11-08T12:46:00.002-06:00

Have fun with this if you have a mobile device that has a QR reader app! Just scan it and it will take you right to my website

Funny Captcha's

2011-11-07T14:17:00.003-06:00

So I was loading a bunch of pictures into a private blog and after a certain amount blogger requires you to enter a captcha...and one of them said grope! There was lots of laughter and maybe a little pee to go along with said laughter LOL!

Crystal Chappell Doodle

2011-11-07T12:26:00.000-06:00

“Your hate is what gave me this strength…”

2011-10-31T15:39:00.002-05:00

“Your hate is what gave me this strength…”

It’s not pretty or pleasant to be hated upon….In fact it downright hurts…but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the recent thrash of bullying that has been hurled at me is that I am stronger than it.

It’s hard for me to express my feelings as of late. It never used to be as I have always been a very brutally open and honest person. I didn’t hold back. I spoke of my deep personal feelings, I wore my heart on my sleeve because to me sharing myself fully with others is what makes me, me. You know everything about me from my drug problem to my issues with my parents and I don’t hide it. I choose not to hide it because there are others like me out there and if they can see that I, in fact, have overcome these situations, then maybe, just maybe I can help one other person out there.

However, getting back to why it’s been hard to express myself it is because there are some people out there who believe that I shouldn’t be as open and as honest as I am. Now this isn’t want sent me into hiding. What did that was the bullying that I’ve experienced because of it. I will admit my take no prisoners, do what I want, be who you are attitude was a bit shattered and I did something that I never thought I’d do again…I retreated back into myself, hiding away from the world and for about a week, I disappeared off the face of the planet.

I used that time as a deep reflection, looking into my soul, trying to rediscover myself but that didn’t come right away. First day or two, I cried. I cried so hard that I had a headache that entire week. My eyes were bloodshot, my face was swollen, puffy and tear stained. My friends were worried, my family was worried, and strangers even stopped me to ask me if I was ok. Truthfully, at that time I was not. I was not ok. I was a shell of what my usually, playful, charming self once was and for the first time in a long time I had the most negative thoughts in my head and I was scared.

Imagine being open and honest, and being punished for that, by people who you thought were friends? Hurts, doesn’t it?

Imagine being called things like stupid, ugly, fat, slow, mental, retard, dyke, homo, animal names, etc. Imagine this coming from people you thought were your friends? Imagine being judged because you’re honest and open? Imagine being punished for being WHO you are? It hurts, and it did that to me. I took it for years growing up because I was always different. I took it in my own home, from my own parent when they found out I was gay. I take it every day working in a less than classy place and now I was taking it from people whom at the time I thought were my friends. I broke down, I wanted to give up, just crawl under a rock and die. But something inside of me, something inside of my soul would not let me give up. So after days of crying, I reflected.

I looked into my soul and I wrote things down about myself

Honest

Loyal

Outgoing yet kind of shy

Funny

Courageous

Witty

Charming

Talented

Caring

Kind

Compassionate

Warm

Loving

I try my hardest to be accepting and non judgmental of everyone even those who have hurt me.

I love with all that I am

I’m open

And so much more. And 99.5% of the time, I honestly love myself. I love who I am because I know I’m a good person. So it baffles me to no end why people who I thought were my friends had turned on me. Truth is they never really turned on me, they were never really friends to begin with. It was just a two faced act on their part because maybe I could be used to gain something for them. When they realized that I could not they dumped me, made fun of me, hurt me with their words. But I realized something during this time of reflection. I realized that they are the ones lacking, they are the ones that need to reflect it isn’t me. I’m a good person. And I learned that from their hatred.

I don’t judge these people. I don’t expect them to change. I do however wish for them to look inside of themselves and realize that hurting others for personal gain is not a wise decision because the only person they make look bad is themselves and someone ends up getting hurt in the process. It isn’t right, nor fair.

I hope that life guides these people into a new light away from the hatred because the other side, that who love thing, is way better. And I thank them because their hatred has only made me stronger, and more passionate in the fight against bullying.

Happy Monday

~F~

Spirit Day Blog

2011-10-20T12:26:00.003-05:00

There are something’s that are forever ingrained in you. Things you cannot shake no matter how hard you try. For me there are two incidents that have had an enormous impact upon my life. That have helped to shape me into the person I am today. And because today is a day in which we all gather together to help in the fight against LGBT bullying I thought it fitting to share.

The first story goes way back to high school. I was a sophomore, just starting at a new school. It was a few weeks into the new school year and I had gotten to know a few people here and there and one of them was a guy whom I will refer to as “D”. D was an outgoing kid, very energetic, intelligent and even very popular. But what people did not know about D was that he had a very tough home life. He was the son of a police officer who in all sense of the word put so much pressure on D to succeed and to have good grades and to be the best that he could be. D strived to make his father proud and in almost every sense of the word he did until one day when everything that could go wrong for D did.

It started off as a usual high school day, most of us not wanting to be there, struggling to get through our morning classes so we can have our lunch. I encountered D. in the hallway who was visibly upset. I asked him what was wrong and he indicated to me that he had failed an algebra test. I asked him why he thought he failed as he was always pretty good he said that he just had a lot on his plate with all his other classes and he was struggling. He was upset as he was unsure of how to tell his father. I told him to just be honest and that perhaps his father would be understanding. D. was unsure, his father was tough on him and he was visibly frightened. He looked at me and finally he broke down and started to cry. I gave him a hug and tried to comfort him but unfortunately someone who I will describe as less than classy had witnessed D’s crying and started spreading rumors all throughout the school. The day proceeded to get worse from there.

This same person had taken it upon himself to make D. miserable at one point through the day he tripped D, causing him to tumble down a small flight of stairs. Physically D. escaped injury, but emotionally he was distraught. Then came lunch where our resident bully had gather some other people to also bully D. They called him names, such as girly, fag, homo and other cruel names that no person should ever be called. They threw pieces of food at him, including a whole hamburger at his head. Teachers had seen what was going on yet did not do anything to stop it and allowed it to go on. D. had gotten up and left the cafe. Me and a few other friends had followed. We tried to comfort D. but he was having none of it. At that point I was tired of witnessing what was going, tired of watching my friend get picked on for expressing his emotions. So I grabbed one of our mutual friends and we went to the dean of students to discuss what had been going on. The dean said he would handle the situation. He pulled the bully into his office. We don’t know what had gone on all we know is that this pissed off the bully and subsequently made things worse.

After school the bully waited for D. and D. was jumped and beat up. Many of us witnessed this, many of us tried to stop it. Many of us also got hurt. The school intervened and the cops were called. The bully was arrested but the emotional and physical damage was done. D. had shut down. He refused to speak to anyone. Refused to be consoled. That night D. went home and shot himself.

Many of us had come to school that morning to find this out. We were devastated. Many tears were shed. Lots of us gathered in the hall trying to grasp what had happened. Lots of us had stepped in to defend D. Many of us wished we could have done more. This was allowed to go on by the teachers. Not one of them had stepped in to stop it. Many teachers had seen it go on. It wasn’t until Me and my friend had gone to the dean that something was done about it. I think that is the part that makes me the most angry. Did many of step in yes, but there were people who just turned a blind eye. People who are suppose to protect you and not let this kind of behavior go on.

Unfortunately this behavior doesn’t just go on in the schools, it can go on at home to from people who are suppose to love you. I.e. your parents. This is the second story I wanna share with you about one of my best friends Steven. I have to warn you. I am going to describe this story in detail. So please be warned.

Steven was a young guy in his early 20s. He had his whole life ahead of him. Trust me when I say he was one smart dude! But Steven was gay. Steven had decided that it would be best if he finally came out of the closet after hiding it most of his young life. So he called our friend Justin and asked Justin to be there with him when he told his parents. Justin of course was more than happy to be his support system.

Steven told his parents and his mom was seemingly ok with it his dad however freaked out. Justin told me that his dad had started calling him all kinds of names from faggot, to queer and much, much worse. Things a parent should never call their own child. Steven’s father had lost control and started beating him all the while his mother and Justin looked on in horror, both trying to intervene and trying to get him to stop. Once they finally managed to get the situation under control, getting his father to leave the house, Steven had run up to his room and locked himself in there. Justin and his mother both followed and tried to get him to come out of his room. Steven wouldn’t answer. They kept trying but to no avail. So they decided to give him his space and let him simmer down for a while.

About a half hour later, a gunshot rang through the house. Justin said that Steven’s mother let out a scream and she took off running for the stairs with Justin following right behind. Justin tried to break the door down his mother calling 911. When the fire department arrived they broke the door down and Justin described what he had seen as something out of a horror movie. Steven had blown his head off. There was blood everywhere. Steven’s mother fell to the floor crying in shock.

When I got the call that night, I was in total shock. I had been through this before and the fact that it was happening again had just broken my heart. I do know that the father was never punished but he essentially killed his own son. We all feel that way he was the one behind the words, behind the abuse. And a kind, beautiful was soul was lost because of it.

These moments are forever ingrained in me. I too have been a victim of bullying. I too have contemplated thoughts of suicide and have even tried to kill myself. I fought long and hard to get over these emotions. Fact of the matter is words hurt. Physical injuries heal but the emotional pain behind them take much longer. They tend to be ingrained in you and they are with you forever. Do some of us move on? Yes. But some of us don’t know how to. Some of us are more sensitive than others. Some of us are affected much deeper by a mere word. People like D. and Steven and even myself. I know now that things get better. I didn’t know that then. D did not know that. Steven did not know that.

I had to go through a learning process and learn how to love myself. Yes I am different, I am gay, I am not but what media and half the world considers beautiful, I am overweight but I am me. I love myself. I want to continue living. It was long and it was a hard, hard road to travel but I am here and it’s a start.

Bullying is getting worse not only does it still exist in schools and in the work place but now politicians and religious groups are preaching hatred and online bullying from others who will bully and bash you for your differences or because they are jealous is becoming much too prevalent in today’s society. And it’s scary. Hiding behind a computer to bully someone is cowardly. Bullying someone because you are in a higher position of authority than them is cowardly. Bullying someone because of who they are is cowardly. Bullying is cowardly PERIOD! It’s time to stand together and quash this bullshit! We must remember that we are all human. We are all different that’s what makes this world so great. No one deserves to be made fun of or picked on because they are different because we are ALL different! We can’t all be the same, the world would be pretty robotic if we were!

Today, my friends, we stand together to fight bullying, all bullying of all people in all different areas of life. Because bullying is vial, it’s violent and it only makes the person doing it look bad.

If you are being bullied tell someone, a friend, a co-worker, a higher authority. Try not to let these people get to you. Ignore it if you can. I know that words hurt but if a bully sees that it’s not affecting you they will stop. You are not giving them the attention they need and crave and they will move on. Remember you are better than the bully.

If you are feeling suicidal there are places that will help you. Visit http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ or call the Trevor Help line at 866-488-7386 or call the national suicide prevention line at 1-800-273

Choose life, choose love and remember IT DOES GET BETTER!

~F~

Live, Laugh, Be Thankful, and Love

2011-10-06T12:19:00.000-05:00

LIVE- Embrace each day, even its faults. Take a walk, smell a flower. Let the sun shine upon you and engulf you with its warmth. Dance in the rain. Do something silly. Be a kid again and let go of your fears. Do something you’ve always wanted to do! Spend a little time on yourself but don’t be too selfish. Spend the day with someone you love, your family, friends, a partner! Enjoy a good meal or a fine wine. Live for today!

LAUGH- Read something funny or watch something funny. Remember a memory in where you laughed so hard that you peed. Go see a friend or loved one that you know will make you smile. Laugh because laughter heals, it releases, it sets you free!

BE THANKFUL- Do not take things for granted. Be grateful that you are here to take another breath, to love another day, to smile another day. Be grateful that you have a roof over your head and family and friends who care. Be grateful for what you have, because some people have nothing. Just remember to never take the things that you have for granted, because you could lose them all in the blink of an eye.

And lastly LOVE- Hug someone today be it a family member, a friend, someone extra special, or heck even a stranger. Call up a friend just to tell them that you care. Hug your kids and your pets. Perform a random act of kindness for a stranger, be it by holding the door open for them or letting them cut ahead of you in line, or even pay for their lunch or their gas. Just do something nice for someone you don’t know. You’d be surprised at how good it will make you feel. Kiss your partner, fiercely, passionately, show them that you care. Make love to your partner because it’s important to express that physical connection when you love someone so deeply.

Never forget this one. Love is the most important thing we can remember. Love heals, love is good, love is sacred, love is pure, and love is LOUDER!

I bid you all a beautiful day!

~F~

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T12:15:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am reminded once again that life is too short. Tonight Apple Founder, Steve Jobs, passed away at 56 years old. A truly wise, brilliant man. The word was better for having him in it and we all feel his loss tonight.

Rest In Peace Steve Jobs. You will never be forgotten!

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life."--Steve Jobs

Skyscraper- Demi Lovato

2011-10-04T11:33:00.001-05:00

Sometimes there is a song that really just gets to me. This song by Demi Lovato really speaks to me!

"Skyscraper"

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending
Like we never had a chance

Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken
and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better
to watch me while I bleed?

All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here, watch you disappear
Yea--ohh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Ohh Ohhhh!
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper)

Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Monday Afternoon Musings on Hatred and Bullying

2011-10-03T11:59:00.002-05:00

In a world full of so much hatred, so much pain, so much heartache and despair…why do we cause more of it?

Why do we sit there and belittle others for their differences?

Why do we punish others for speaking their minds? For being honest?

Why do we sit there and make fun of others just to make ourselves feel good?

In a world of so much darkness, so much despair wouldn’t it be easier to spread love? Why do we sit there and try to quash that tiny ember of love that is fighting so hard to stay lit? Why not fan the flames instead and help that tiny ember of love grow into a huge roaring flame?

It baffles me that people enable the type of hatred that goes on in this world. It hurts to be made fun of! It hurts to be belittled, ridiculed, punished just for being yourself! People can tell you that words don’t hurt all they like but the fact that remains is they do hurt. They hurt so much sometimes that people would rather end their life than to let it go on.

Tell me something…is that right to you? Is it right to make fun of someone so much, belittle someone so much that you drive them to the edge of insanity? To the point where they want to take their own life to make it stop?

Really tho, what bothers me the most…what really gets under my skin are the people out there who say one thing and preach love and acceptance yet turn around and publicly bash someone. People who are sick, people who are different, people who choose to share an opinion or people who choose to share too much tend to be the main victims of this. This is not ok! How can you preach love an acceptance when you too are guilty of the same type of bullying and hatred that you are supposedly trying to stop?

Let me ask you something…What gives YOU the right to judge someone? What gives you the right to say this person is so ugly, or so fat, or so stupid? What gives you the right to make fun of someone for sharing too much, or being sick, or being honest and open? What gives you the right to belittle someone for basically being who they are? You are no better than I or your neighbor or the person standing next to you. We are all the same, yet we are all different and that’s what makes us human!

“Never judge a book by its cover” and you should never judge a person BEFORE you get to know them. Because let me tell you something you will miss out. Belittling, bullying, hatred they all expel so much wasted energy and believe me if you continue to act this way, you will get nowhere in life. You will become the hated, the judged, and you will get a dose of your very own medicine and thus allowing the cycle to continue and to grow which is unacceptable.

So start with love. Let go of your fears, your animosity towards others, take a second to look inside a person before you really judge them. And in the end you might see something that you never even knew was there because you were too busying calling them fat or ugly or stupid, etc. You might make a new friend, or find a new lover, or at the very least you will find an acquaintance in passing. But just remember to treat each person you encounter with respect, tolerance, and love. You don’t have to like them. You don’t have to be friends with them. No one is asking that. But please stop the bullying, stop the hatred! IT JUST ISN’T WORTH IT!

Love is kinder, gentler, sweeter and LOUDER!

~F~

Something that makes you think!

2011-10-03T10:25:00.003-05:00

“I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stunned by this for many years. And then i realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.”
― Augusten Burroughs

Meaningful

2011-10-02T14:09:00.002-05:00

Sometimes someone shares something that just makes you go wow. I got this from a friend who found it online. I have no idea who wrote it but the words are so true and so inspiring and you should read it too and sit back and think about it and just let it sink in.

"Take a step back and fucking look at yourself. You are human. You are beautiful. You are so beautiful! And YOU can be anything! You can be EVERYTHING! Do not hate everyone because someone broke your heart, or because your parents split up, or your best friend betrayed you, your father hit you, the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. Do not concern yourself with the things you cannot control. Cry when you need to then let go when it’s time. Don’t hang on onto painful memories just because you’re afraid to forget. Let go of the things that are in the past. Forget the things that aren’t worth remembering. Stop taking things for granted. Stop taking life for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself! Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Do this over and over again until you know what it really means to love someone. Question things. Tell people how you really feel. Sleep under the stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire. Share something wonderful. Live your life to its full potential. JUST LIVE, DAMNIT! Let go of all the horrible things in your life and FUCKING LIVE! And one day, when you’re old, look back with no regrets."

Quote

2011-06-10T13:34:00.000-05:00

Quote from Adam Gwizdala:

"Life goes through changes so fast, you think your life is great, then one of your best friends dies. Then you think you found someone you truly love, only to figure out, she doesn't love you back. You cry and cry and cry, but nothing changes. You realize, that you must accept things for what they are, and what they have made you become.

Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes, you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There's always tomorrow."

Crystalverse

2011-05-29T21:15:00.001-05:00

I made a CD for Crystal Chappell on behalf of the fans. Each fan sent in a song and reason why they picked the song. Here is the tracklisting only! I kept the names and reasons out because they were personal and only for cc to read. :)

DISK 1

1. “Starry Eyed” By HushNoMore

2. “Live For Real” By K’s Choice

3. "I know it's today" from Shrek the musical.

4. “Is That All There Is?” By Peggy Lee

5. “Carry Me Away” by Karen Grenier

6. Fuckin’ Perfect- Pink

7. Here Comes The Sun- The Beatles

8. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera

9. You get what you give - New Radicals

10. You Gotta Be - Des’ree

11. “Suddenly I See”- KT Tunstall.

12. “Supernova” by Liz Phair.

13. "A Quiet Thing". Liza Minelli -From

the Broadway show "Flora, the Red Menace"

14. " ‘Fore She Was Mama" by Clay Walker

15. Your Beautiful by James Blunt

16. "At Last," by Etta James

17. "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa

18. Ride by Martina McBride.

19. I am Woman by Helen Reddy

20. “Turn Me On” Norah Jones
21. "Hey Pretty" by Poe

DISK 2

22. Forever Young- Bob Dylan

23. Deliciously by Beth Wood

24.The Air That I Breathe, kd lang

25. "Green Eyes" by Coldplay.

26. Bells and Whistles-Kyler England.

27. Bruno Mars-Just The Way You Are

28. Instrumental version of Kenny G's "You're Beautiful."

29. That I would be good by Alanis Morissette

30. I fly above by Kandi!
31. We Are Family... Sledge Sisters.

32. Some Kind Of Wonderful - Michael Bublé

33. Ray Of Light – Madonna

34. The Hand That Gives The Rose- Coles Whalen

Top 101 Reasons Why We Love Crystal Chappell

2011-02-07T15:37:00.002-06:00

Today on Twitter we were trending #crystalchappell and I thought it would be fun to tweet out 101 reasons on why we love her! Got a lot of responses from other fans. I went back through the list and compiled it into one neat blog! So here you go Top 101 reasons why we love Crystal Chappell!

Reason # 101 why we love #crystalchappell She’s pervy! She embraces her inner perv and makes tweeting fun!

Reason # 100 why we love #crystalchappell Because she’s an ally! She embraces us all, gay, straight, black, white, blue, purple don’t matter she loves us!

RT @eGolf63 Reason #99 why we love #crystalchappell because she drives our resident gutterbus!

Reason # 98 why we love #crystalchappell Because she’s best tweeter around. Follow @crystalchappell and you will know why!

RT @genec1 Reason #97 why we love #crystalchapell because she is kind to everyone even the haters

Reason #96 why we love #crystalchappell because she made us all a family!

Reason #95 why we love #crystalchappell because she’s awesome! No other explanation needed on that one!

Reason #94 why we love #crystalchappell because she's approachable, never looks down upon you, treats you as if she’s known you forever!

Reason #93 why we love #crystalchappell she's feisty! And who doesn’t like feisty?

Reason #92 why we love #crystalchappell She coined the phrase smoochysmack! It's smoochy and smackable all rolled into one awesome package!

Reason #91 why we love #crystalchappell Carly Manning!

RT @geneac1: Reason # 90 why we love #crystalchappell she does homework with her sons and likes it!

Reason # 89 why we love #crystalchappell she’s funny! Laughter is the best medicine they say!

Reason #88 why we love #crystalchappell because of her and venice #teamdallas was born. Best group of people I’ve ever

Reason #87 why we love #crystalchappell because she gave us venice! A brilliant, well put together, amazingly written show about all people!

Reason #86 why we love #crystalchappell two words....SHOWER SCENE...that is all...

RT @itsEmeryK: Reason # 85 why we love #crystalchappell addictions! Because of her: you tube, jen foster, peace signs, etc...

Reason #84 why we love #crystalchappell She's generous! With her time, with her heart, with her talent @weloveturrisi

Reason #83 why we love #crystalchappell she looks at you when you speak to her as if u r the only person in the room and really listens 2 u

Reason # 82 why we love #crystalchappell she loves her fans! Takes time to interact with us, has fun with us, jokes, laughs, cries with us

RT @geneac1: reason #81 why we love #crystalchappell she makes you want to watch Daytime TV and like it

Reason # 80 why we love #crystalchappell real friendships were formed! Through her and because of her!

Reason #79 why we love #crystalchappell she's family oriented. She loves her hubby and her kids!

reason # 78 why we love #crystalchappell she brings out the best in any actor she's on screen with!

Reason #77 why we love #crystalchappell she's witty!

Reason #76 why we love #crystalchappell she introduced us to the most talented writer around @kimmyt22!

Reason # 75 why we love #crystalchappell She's compassionate! In a world where compassion barely exits anymore cc oozes it! Thankful 4 that!

RT @Krys2675: Reason # 74 why we lvoe #crystalchappell shes not afraid 2 step out on a limb 4 something she believes in. Gave us all a voice

Reason # 73 why we love #crystalchappell she's not afraid to play a gay character. She embraces it and plays it beautifully!

Reason # 72 why we love #crystalchappell she's intelligent! Intelligence is sexy!

Reason #71 why we love #crystalchappell because she’s passionate! About life, about her fans, about her talent, about her family!

Reason #70 why we love #crystalchappell she gave us a shirtless Wes Ramsey! HELLO!

Reason # 68 why we love #crystalchappell she’s one half of #carbo, one of the best couples on tv!

RT @lucy_chappell: reason #67 why we love #crystalchappell she's smokin’ hot!

Reason #66 why we love #crystalchappell she’s brave. Took a huge risk with Venice just to give us something amazing!

Reason # 65 Why we love #crystalchappell to her we aren’t gay or straight, black, or white but we are human and we are people!

RT @geneac1: reason # 64 why we love #crystalchappell she is so moved by her fans, she cries at events

Reason #63 why we love #crystalchappell. We were strangers, who became friends, who became a family!

RT @b_dawg60: Reason # 62 why we love #crystalchappell she is the original 1 tear, chest tapping, lip starer known as Olivia fucking Spencer

Reason #61 why we love #crystalchappell because she gave a lot of us the courage to be who we are!

Reason #60 why we love #crystalchappell she gave us Shawn Christian in a wetsuit! HELLO again!

RT @Krys2675: Reason # 59 why we love #crystalchappell she never does anything half assed. She puts her heart into everything she does

Reason #58 why we love #crystalchappell she's genuine! No false bravado on that front!

RT @geneac1: Reason # 57 why we love #crystalchappell because she’s such a brilliant actress we sometimes forget its just television

Reason # 56 why we love #crystalchappell she's a glee lover!

Reason #55 why we love #crystalchappell because she's a force to be reckoned with

Reason #54 why we love @crystalchappell she’s gracious

Reason # 53 why we love #crystalchappell she doesn’t take her celeb status for granted and uses it to make a positive impact in peoples lives

Reason # 52 why we love #crystalchappell she’s a firm believer in equality!

Reason # 51 why we love #crystalchappell a naked, wet @realnadiab and @jessicaleccia in a shower...NUFF SAID!

Reason # 50 why we love #crystalchappell she's not afraid to eat a fucking cheeseburger!

Reason # 49 why we love #crystalchappell she’s stunning! nuff said!

RT @geneac1: reason # 48 why we love #crystalchappell she does cute little football dances in the street! "score"

Reason #47 why we love #crystalchappell she’s charming!

Reason #46 why we love #crystalchappell she could wear a potato sack and still look hot!

Reason # 45 why we love #crystalchappell she's understanding. Not only will she laugh with you, she will cry with you!

Reason #44 why we love #crystalchappell she isn’t afraid to be herself!

Reason #43 why we love #crystalchappell she stands up for what she believes in!

Reason #42 why we love #crystalchappell she’s affectionate! She's not afraid to hug or kiss her fans

RT @eGolf63: reason # 41 why we love #crystalchappell because she is loyal to friends, co-workers, fans etc

Reason # 40 why we love #crystalchappell we just do! We can’t help but love her!

Reason #39 why we love #crystalchappell because she wears her heart on her sleeve and isn’t afraid to do so!

Reason # 38 why we love #crystalchappell she's a devoted mother. I love reading her tweets about family time!

RT @b_dawg60: Reason # 37 why we love #crystalchappell she's a sincere and selfless person

Reason # 36 why we love #crystalchappell she’s kind!

RT @b_dawg60: reason #35 why we love #crystalchappell she's not afraid to swear and says fuck a lot!

Reason # 34 why we love #crystalchappell she's just an all out warm person!

Reason # 33 why we love #crystalchappell she’s not afraid to have fun!

RT @Oliviaand24: reason # 32 why we love #crystalchappell she's not afraid to drink and tweet! Dweeting at its best!

Reason # 31 why we love #crystalchappell we love her so much we make up a top 101 reason's list on why we love her!

RT @geneac1: Reason # 30 why we love #crystalchappell she kissed a girl and liked it!

Reason # 29 why we love @crystalchappell she plays a doctor on tv and scrubs are hot!! And boy does she work those srcubs!

Reason # 28 why we love #crystalchappell awesome! Sums her up in one word!

Reason #27 why we love #crystalchappell she gave us the word fucktard!

Reason # 26 of why we love #crystalchappell She’s priceless!

Reason # 25 why we love #crystalchappell she’s a true gem! See the previous 76 reasons as to why!

Reason # 24 why we love #crystalchappell she isn’t afraid to acknowledge that @oliviaand24 is her online wifey!!!

Reason # 23 why we love #crystalchappell She has the best one liners ever i.e "Tarzan Jane, Jane Jane!" @geneac1

RT @68ANDIOU1: Reason # 22 why we love #crystalchappell because she is unlike any other! She is unique!

RT @b_dawg60: reason # 21 why we love #crystalchappell she sends us cryptic tweets!!!

@VeniceKelly Reason # 20 why we love #crystalchappell because we respect her and she respects us in return!

RT @b_dawg60: Reason # 19 why we love #crystalchappell she knows who SHE is and she's comfortable in her own skin and in her sexuality

Reason #18 why we love #crystalchappell cause she’s caring! About her career, about her family about her friends, fans, things she believes in

Reason #17 why we love #crystalchapell simple really we cant not, not love her! She’s loveable all around!

Reason # 16 why we love #crystalchappell she’s amazingly amazing!

Reason # 15 why we love #crystalchappell she takes a stand against bullying

Reason # 14 why we love #crystalchappell because she can make us laugh, cry, and laugh some more all in the span of 15 minutes!

RT @itsEmeryK: reason # 13 Part 1 why we love #crystalchappell because she's a giver :)

RT @b_dawg60: Reason # 13 Part 2 why we love #crytsalchappell because she is a great role model

RT @WELOVETURRISI: Reason # 12 why we love #crystalchappell firm and pillowy, Nuff said!!

RT @68ANDIOU1 reason #11 why we love #CrystalChappell because she has a Heart of Gold

Reason #10 why we love #crystalchappell she's classy!!

Reason # 9 why we love #crystalchappell She's brilliant!

Reason # 8 why we love #crystalchappell She's one half the amazing lesbian couple of Otalia!

Reason # 7 why we love #crystalchappell she's talented beyond words!

Reason #6 why we loved #crystalchappell she recognized there weren’t many positive glbt role models and did something about it!

Reason # 5 why we love #crystalchappell OLIVIA FREAKING SPENCER!! NUFF SAID!!

Reason # 4 why we love #crystalchappell she has a killer smile! Stunning eyes and holy shit is she gorgeous

Reason # 3 why we love #crystalchappell because she's creative! Check out @venicetheseries if you haven’t!! Brilliant!!

Reason #2 why we love #crystalchappell what’s not to love? See the previous 100 tweets!!!

and reason # 1 why we love #crystalchappell is simple because @crystalchappell IS LOVE!!

Movie Poster Project

2011-01-16T19:42:00.002-06:00

Im working on a movie poster Project for my home theater in my house and so far i have over 230 posters included. I've printed them up in 8x10, 5x7 and 4x6 and am going to laminate them and then hang them on the wall, wallpaper style, then am going to frame them with lights! I will post the final result when im actually finished in a few weeks..or months depending! So far here is whats on the list, if you have anything i should add feel free to let me know! You may notice a few repeats and such, thats because i have multiple posters of the same movie in different styles and such!

TV/Web Shows

1. Venice The Series Season 1 Cast (DVD) Scan

2. Venice The Series Season 2 Cast (Not Yet added)

3. Guiding Light Cast Photo

4. Guiding Light

5. Otalia

6. I love Lucy

7. Rizzoli & Isles

8. Will and Grace

9. House

10. Ellen

11. Lucy and Ricky

12. Lucy and Ethel

13. The Three Stooges

14. Mr. Ed

15. South Park

16. Better off Ted

17. Friends

18. Beverly Hillbillies

19. Might Morphin Power Rangers

20. Bugs Bunny

21. Boy Meets World

22. Perfect Strangers

23. California Dreams

24. Lucy

25. Alf

26. Golden Girls

27. Gilligans Island

28. Pinky and the Brain

29. Looney Tunes

30. Tiny Toon’s

31. Tom and Jerry

32. House

33. House Cast

34. Garfield

35. Seasme Street

36. Ren and Stimpy

37. Bevis and Butthead

38. Glee

39. The Jeffersons

40. Buffy The Vampire Slayer

41. Full House

42. Saved by the Bell

43. Facts of Life

44. Dinosaurs

45. Steve Urkel

46. Sanford and Son

47. The Adams Family

48. Imaginary Bitches

49. Days of Our Lives

50. One Life to Live

51. All My Children

52. The L Word

53. Punky Brewster

54. Anyone But Me

55. 90210

56. Baywatch

57. Steamboat

58. Pretty Little Liars

59. All in the Family

60. Family Matters

61. Glee Cast

62. The Flinstones

Movies/Musicals

63. Lilon and Stitch

64. Saturday Night Fever

65. Dirty Dancing

66. Ghost

67. Scream

68. Dracula

69. Pretty Woman

70. Wicked Actors

71. Rocky Horror Picture Show

72. Underworld

73. Friday The 13^th

74. The God Father

75. Halloween

76. Saw

77. The Dark Night

78. Nightmare on Elm Street

79. King Kong

80. ET.

81. Wicked Playbill Cover

82. Freddy Kruger

83. America Psycho

84. IT

85. The Exorcist

86. Grease

87. Poltergeist

88. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

89. Edward Scissorhands

90. Better Than Chocolate

91. Nightmare on Elm Street

92. The Wizard of Oz

93. Freddy Claws

94. Bound

95. Childs Play

96. Halloween

97. Avatar

98. A Nightmare on Elm Street

99. The Blues Brothers

100. Halloween

101. Show Girls

102. Dirty Dancing

103. Wicked Idina Menzel

104. Imagine Me and You

105. Juno

106. The Wedding Singer

107. The Firm

108. Flash Dance

109. Forest Gump

110. Romeo and Juliet

111. Who Frame Roger Rabbit

112. Spider Man 3

113. The Dark Night

114. Interview With a Vampire

115. When Harry Met Sally

116. Back To The Future

117. The Green Mile

118. The Silence of the Lambs

119. Finding Nemo

120. Freddy V. Jason

121. La Dolce Vita

122. Pulp Fiction

123. Waynes World

124. Shrek

125. Pearl Harbor

126. Spider Man 2

127. America Pie

128. Casino

129. The Silence of the Lambs

130. Saving Private Ryan

131. Schindlers List

132. Spiderman

133. Lost and Delirious

134. Garfield The Movie

135. Chicago

136. Austin Powers

137. Titanic

138. Chocolat

139. Rent

140. One Flew Over The Cukoos Nest

141. Independence day

142. Brokeback Mountain

143. Psycho

144. America Beauty

145. Casablanca

146. The Godfather Part II

147. Dirty Dancing Still

148. Annie

149. Mary Poppins

150. The Phantom of the Opera

151. Bonnie and Clyde

152. Ghostbusters

153. Bye Bye Birdie

154. Alice in Wonderland

155. Young Frankenstein

156. Beauty and the Beast

157. The Wizard of OZ

158. Scarface

159. Armageddon

160. Zombie

161. Rocky

162. The Sound of Music

163. The Lion King

164. Batman

165. Marilyn Monroe

166. Breakfast at Tiffanys

167. Ace Ventura

168. Caddyshack

169. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

170. Pink Panther

171. Alice in Wonderland Movie

172. The Notebook

173. Toy Story

174. The Sixth Sense

175. The Karate Kid

176. Jaws

177. Batman Begins

178. Moulin Rouge

179. White Chicks

180. Happy Gilmore

181. Friday the 13^th

182. The Dark Night

183. The Little Mermaid

184. Bridges of Madison County

185. Saw VI

186. Saw II

187. Scream 2

188. Saw IV

189. Saw III

190. Saw VI

191. Saw V

192. Wall-E

193. Surf Ninjas

194. Thelma and Louise

195. Joe Dirt

196. Childs Play 3

197. Haloween The Curse of Michael Myers

198. Aladdin

199. The Clan of the Bear

200. Step Mom

201. The Goonies

202. Romy and Micheles High School Reunion

203. Mighty Ducks

204. Cinderella

205. Beethoven

206. The Other Sister

207. Notting Hill

208. Perfume

209. The Breakfast Club

210. High School Musical

211. Slippery Slope

212. Pretty in Pink

213. Ratatouille

214. Singing in the Rain

215. Twins

216. Sead of Chucky

217. Halloween Resurrection

218. Halloween III

219. Cruel Intentions

220. Scream

221. The Mask

222. Halloween II

223. Halloween H2O

224. H2

225. Halloween 4

226. Halloween 5

227. Bride of Chucky

228. Childs Play 2

229. Scream 3

230. Frankenstein

231. Runaway Bride

232. Steel Magnolias

233. Sister Act

234. Step Brothers

235. Groundhog Day

236. The Color Purple

237. Superman

GLBT Suicide

2010-10-05T10:35:00.004-05:00

On June, 24 2008- I lost my good friend Steven to suicide.

I remember it being a Sunday night when my cell phone rang, and our mutual friend Justin was on the other line. "Filly somethings happened." He said in a tone that was all too frightening. I remember sitting down, knowing something awful had happened. Justin never ever had that kind of tone to his voice before. "Steven Shot himself." He said and I could hear the tone in his voice.

Stunned into complete silence, I was at a loss for words. Justin, was crying, and my heart had just shattered into a million pieces. I asked Justing what happened and little by little he recounted the events leading up to Steven's demise.

Steven was 22 years old at the time and we had known each other for a long time. Steven was gay. No one else knew he was gay other than myself and Justin. Justin and Steven grew up together. Justin is straight but when Steven finally found the courage to tell him he was gay, he embraced him, told him it would be ok. I remember the conversations that Justin, myself and Steven had, had the prior morning about Steven coming out to his parents. He was so excited. He was finally going to have that big weight lifted off his shoulders. He asked Justin to go with him.

The day Steven shot himself is the day he came out to his parents. Justin had explained to me that Steven was excited, yet terrified and that he wasn't sure what would happen. Justin said he would be there the whole time. Justin said to me that night that when Steven finally told his parents that his father had not reacted well. He went off on him, yelling and screaming like a mad man, calling him fag, homo, and telling him that he didn't raise him to be that way. Steven was in tears, Justin and his mother both tried to pull his father off of him. The crying further infuriated his father and he was about to start hitting him again if it wasn't for Justin who held him back.

Steven had been terrified, and all of his worst fears seemed to have come true. He ran upstairs and locked himself in his room. Justin told me that he and Stevens mother had tried for a half hour to get him out of his room. And about 30 minutes later they heard a gunshot. Steven had shot himself.

The called the police and an ambulance and tried desperately to break the door down, and when they finally got in Justin described the scene as a war zone. Said that Steven had shot himself in the mouth, and blew the entire back of his head off. Closing my eyes at the description it was as if it was burned in my memory forever. 2 things stood out to me the most that night, another young life was lost due to homophobia, and a brilliant young man would never be able to prosper because he was bullied into fear not by his peers, or strangers, but by his own father. He was beat up and bullied into fear just because of who he was.

Steven was a brilliant young man. Straight A honor student his whole life, talented musician, studying to be an engineer. Now we will never, ever get to know his brilliance because he cut his own life short out of fear.

When the police investigated. They concluded that Steven must have planned to kill himself if things did not go well. Since he had already had the gun in his room. He didn't leave a note. His father was not charged, not even with assault for beating up his own kid. His mother tried. Justin tried to get them to arrest him. But nothing was ever done.

Steven's mother said to me that she loved her son. She was sad that he was gay, but that she would have embraced him and loved him because he was her son.

I'm coming back to the present now. As you may or may not know there has been a string of Gay Teen Suicides as a result of bullying lately. We must remember that bullying comes in all shapes and forms, including from your own family and parents sometimes. This is the kind of thing that needs to change. Punishment for bullying needs to increase drastically and needs to include jail time. No child, or teenager or adult should have to endure this type of hatred. Gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever no one should have to be verbally, or physically abused because of who they are. Be it in person or on the internet or any other means. It's wrong and it needs to be stopped.

We are humans and we should learn how to treat each other as such. We shouldn't make fun of people, call people names, hurt them, just because of who they are. It's just wrong.

We should embrace each other for who we are, despite all our outward and inward difference and learn how to tolorate, love and respect each other. Because we are human.

Steven is gone, all those who have taken their lives are gone. How many more innocent lives need to be gone, far to soon because of our own ignorance? We can change this so lets stand together and do something about it.

On October 20, 2010 wear purple. Stand up against suicide and mourn for those we have lost.

I would like to draw your attention to a song by Jen Foster entitled "This is Me" The lyrics are posted below and its a beautifully written song. You can download it for free here http://www.jenfoster.com/

To those that are suicidal you are not alone. You dont have to fight alone! Contact the Trevor Project They will help you. They will listen to you. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ (866) 4-U Trevor (866) 488-7386 or contact the national suicide help line 1-800-273-8255

"Things will get easier, peoples minds will change, and you should be alive to see it." ~ Ellen Degeneres

THIS IS ME- Jen Foster

You and I have come this far
I guess it's time I tell the truth
'Cause I have known for a while, but I never wanted to bring shame on this family
'Cause you asked me not to

But if this God to whom you pray
Is the same God I was raised to believe in
You'd better take it up with him

This is me, here we are
I know I may not be everything you wanted
But this is all I've got
This is me, talk to God
He's the one you really ought to ask these questions
'Cause I am all his fault
This is me

Why, you ask, would I ever put you and Dad through this
When it's only just a phase
Well, who's to say what's to come
And who are you to judge my love? Yes, I am different, but my heart works just the same

And I could lie to your face
But you taught me that's no way to live my life
So I'm taking your advice

This is me, here we are
I know I may not be everything you wanted
But this is all I've got
This is me, talk to God
He's the one you really ought to ask these questions
'Cause I am all his fault
This is me
This is me

Talk to God
You said he speaks to us when we listen
So listen

This is me
I'm nobody's fault
Listen to your heart
Talk to God
This is me...

LA Day 2- Hollywood and Vencie Beach

2010-07-09T09:57:00.005-05:00

July 9, 2010

Wow today was a long ass day! I got up early and met up with some new friends Courtney and Chrissie, we took the train down to the Hollywood Walk of Fame and spent quite a few hours there! We also went the Chinese Theater, and the Kodak Theater! I got my picture taken with batman which was kinda funny!

Here are some pics!

Then we went to Venice Beach! Beautiful Place! We went to High Roof Top Lounge at the hotel Erwin where parts of Venice were filmed!

Here are some pics from that!

They dragged me into the lobby since there is a massive crowd of Venice fans down there! It’s crowded and loud! I finally got to meet the Venice fan club prez OGJ, we got into it about the iPhone V. Droid debate…I of course am team iPhone all the way, but I gotta give the little droid its props!

Well its late, I’m tired and tomorrow is the big Venice Event!!

Leaving for LA

2010-07-08T11:03:00.001-05:00

So I’ve been a fan of Crystal Chappell for the past 6 years and recently discovered a webseries that she created called Venice, shortly before Jack passed away. The webseries was sort of a way to help me cope with the sleepless nights and the never ending job of taking care of an extremely sick dog. But I came to discover that I really liked this series. Shortly after discovering this series Jack passed away and I started b hanging out in their chatroom and had been meeting tons of new people who were there for me after Jacks death. Then the Venice team announced that they were doing a fan event in LA and I knew I had to go!

Once tickets finally went on sale I purchased them, booked my flight to LA, booked hotel and waited patiently for the time to come for me to leave!

July 8, 2010

I took the day off work today as I am leaving for LA in the afternoon. Have much running around to do. It’s early, and I’m spending time with my brand new 7 week old puppy that my dad got me last week. It’s hard having to leave him and my other dog too.

July 8,2010 afternoon

The day progressed very quickly. I finished packing my suitcase, did a little last minute shopping, and my dad drove me to my cousins house since she was going to drop me off at the airport. I stopped at subway along the way, and had a footlong to get me through the evening. I spent some time at my cousins house, hanging out with my little cousins and then my cousin dropped me off at the airport as my flight left at 6. I got all checked in, went through security with a bit of a snag, forgot to take my belt off and nearly got into an altercation with one of the STUPID TSA agents. But finally I got through and now here I sit waiting for my flight.

July 8, 2010-11:30 Pm.

Well I am finally checked into the hotel and eating a hella expensive cheeseburger from room service. My flight landed at 8pm pacific time here in LA and I was hoping to make it back to the hotel by like 9 or 10. I got my suitcase rather quickly and then had to wait nearly 2 hours for the shuttle to come pick me up when it was suppose to be there at 8:30. I was pissed. It didn’t take long to get to the hotel, and once I got checked it I was starving the last time I ate was before I left for the airport. The flight was about 3 and a half hours long but was long and dragged out. I am so glad to finally be here, its so pretty here! LAX was busy and crowded kinda like pain in the ass O’Hare! It’s pretty dark so I cant see much right now so I don’t have very many pictures except one the hotel lobby.

Well it's late so im gonna go finish my cheeseburger, and try and get some Zzzzz's tomorrow we are going to Venice Beach!!

Losing My Best Friend

2010-07-06T15:35:00.003-05:00

Losing My Best Friend.

After having Jack for almost 6 years and raising him from puppyhood, I lost him on April 27, 2010 due to kidney failure.

I felt like an entire part of me was ripped out of me and it just hurt so much. It still does to this very day. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I kiss his earn every night before I go to bed and a I wear a small vile of his fur with a tag in his honor around my neck. I miss him terribly.

I couldn’t bring myself to write this blog until now because it was far to painful to keep going. I shut down. I mean to some he was only a dog to me he was my best friend. He never judged me, always comforted me and he was just an all around great dog.

I had found out that Jack was sick when he was just under a year old and we concluded that he was born with underdeveloped kidneys after weeks and weeks of constant tests to find out what was wrong with him. Once we finally diagnosed him he was started on a medical regimen that prolonged his life for as long as we could prolong it. He improved so much over time and got fairly stable for nearly 5 years, and then he got sick again. And then he was gone.

It seriously broke my heart to lose my little man, but I know that he is in a better place now. Even if he isn’t he will never be sick again and that’s all that could ever really matter. He lived a long time, a lot longer than he would have without all the things I did for him and I take pride and joy and comfort in knowing that I could give that little guy a chance at life even if it was a rather short one.

Jack was a smart dog. A character he was. Silly, adorable, playful, he motivated me and kept me going in my worst of moments and I did the same for him. We were a team.

I wrote this little poem a few days after he died.

“I Miss You”

I miss you Jackaroo
I miss your cold wet nose in my ear
Walking up to your puppy dog eyes in the morning

I miss your cuddles
I miss playing fetch with you
I miss your famous Rottweiler smile

I miss the times we spent together
Long walks through the park
I miss your bark and your cuddles when I came home from work

I miss calling to check up on you
Hearing you sing and howl when I’d call
I miss your warmth when it was cold out

I miss the way you would lay at my feet
Or randomly lick my toes
I miss your silly playful puppy ways.

I miss seeing you laying on the kitchen table
All 80 lbs of you
I miss your lapdog ways

I miss our adventures
The way you curled up on my pillow
The way you would tilt your head for table scraps

I miss the way you licked your lips when I would ask you if you were hungry
Your high fives
The way you said please for a treat

I miss the way I became your pillow in the middle of the night
I miss the way you would just cuddle with me when I was angry
I miss your personality

I miss the way you would sit on my laptop to get my attention
The way you ripped my hand away from the computer and placed your head in my palm
I miss the way you blocked the tv so all attention was on you

I miss you Jackaroo
I miss you Jackaroo

RIP my angel. You will always be in Mommy’s Heart

Jack “The Rottweiler Prince” D’Inverno

8/17/04-4/21/10

Learning to Live

2010-04-18T22:22:00.002-05:00

A song that helps me get through some hard days! Learning to Live by Beth Hart! She's Amazing!

What is love?

2010-03-20T21:48:00.002-05:00

Love is laying it all out on the line, giving up your pride, your dignity, everything, just so you can have that one thing that's worth more than that. It's loving despite circumstances, fighting despite the odds, believing despite the proof otherwise. It's living life, instead of letting go.

From the Movie Redefining Love

Children Caught in the Middle of Religious Hatred

2010-03-08T13:19:00.003-06:00

I logged on this morning to write this blog, and I have been staring at my computer screen since. The words would just not flow. I found myself writing words of anger, of hatred, and this is beyond the type of person that I am but I am angry and I have sunk down to a disgraceful level and I am ashamed. However, I have thought long and hard about the words I will try and write and keep my anger out of this.

I must tell you a story about a small child, who is currently being kicked out of a Catholic school because this child’s parents are lesbians. This school says that they cannot accept this child into their school because it is teaching that gay marriage is wrong and that this will confuse the child. In that aspect I understand what they are saying. But why teach that gay marriage is wrong to begin with?

We can argue about religious beliefs for hours and yes I understand that it is a Catholic school and the teachings of God and Jesus are a must, but why must we focus on one tiny measly aspect of the bible, when there are so many different teachings we could teach our children? Why must we focus on such a hateful aspect? It just doesn’t seem right.

I grew up Catholic but no longer practice because I learned at very young age that the Catholic Church preaches double standard and to me, that’s just absurd. Even as a little child I could never understand how anyone could preach hate. They aim to teach children good, and to be good, yet there is a hatred that is preached, a hatred that is so cold, that makes me physically sick to my stomach. A hatred that sometimes advocates violence and murder and I ask you, any of you, how could that be the way of God?

Every year, I encounter a Catholic person and some are more respectful than others. I have had many wonderful conversations to try to better understand the beliefs of a Catholic mind and through all these conversations I just can’t seem to find that common ground. I just can’t seem to understand why being gay is so wrong. The most common reply I get is because God said so. Did God really say so? I have read the bible over and over again and there is not one mention that God specifically said that homosexuality is against his will. There are very few entries that have implied such things, but not one specifically says this is against God’s will. We have to remember that the bible has been translated and re-translated many, many times so the real meaning gets lost with each translation. So why we focus on such a tiny little aspect of the bible is beyond me.

I have also had many situations where a supposed person of God has told me that I should be dead or that I do not deserve to walk this planet because of the small fact that I am gay. This leaves me wondering of the mental status behind these people… I sit and think and sit and think some more and nowhere in my mind can I find anything that justifies this kind of talk and behavior. I have read religious books, I may not be religious personally but religion interests me because it is so diverse and the one common denominator behind all religion is God is good. Yet we have these people literally preaching violence. I ask again how is this a way of God?

I want to go back to the child for a second. The Catholic School that is at hand is claiming they don’t want to confuse the child by preaching one thing and then allowing the child to go to school there. Yet they are basically throwing a child out of school because this kids parents are gay. This child is probably thinking well my parents are gay, they must be bad people since that is why I am getting kicked out. So basically they are still teaching the same thing! Honestly, how hard would it be to eliminate the teaching of anti-homosexuality in the church and instead promote acceptance and love. If you so believe in God then we are all Children of God, if you don’t then we are all Children of this Earth and that should be the solid basis behind any teaching. Not this is what God said and this is what God wants. Because lets face it, we don’t know, not one of us has ever met God face to face and until someone does and until God, personally says this is what I believe then lets stop this bullshit and teach Love, respect, tolerance, peace. These should be the fundamental beliefs we should be teaching our kids. Not hatred!

This child has rights, and as someone who has been with the legal industry for a long time, I think that this child should be appointed a guardian at litem and have this person fight for this child’s right to an education. This shouldn’t be about religion, nor sexuality it should be for once about the child.

I feel for this kid, and for his parents and as a gay person who has experienced more than enough hatred in my life, I say stick it to em they deserve it, but as a human being my heart says fight for the child’s rights, politics doesn’t matter right now. No matter what the outcome, no matter what the situation is with this child, this child is going to experience severe emotional damage. That is beyond unfair to the child because the Catholic Church is acting well like children themselves. No child deserves to be put in the middle of a religious battle. No child deserves to be punished because of who its parents are. It isn’t the child’s fault!

I see this everyday with people we punish our kids! We punish them because they are gay, or they have gay parents. We punish them because they are really smart or really dumb. We punish them because they are super fat or super skinny. We punish them because they have a mental disability, or look different. We punish them because they wear glasses or dorky clothes. We punish them because they are the nerd, or the dork or the geek. We punish them because they just aren’t black enough or are too white. Why? Why do we punish our children for these things? How many of you have been guilty of this? Your son is the head football player and your other son is kind of a nerd, you harp on your nerdy son because he isn’t popular. Or you find out your child is gay and you throw them out of the house, forcing a teenager to fend for themselves on the street. Or your kid is super smart and you push them way too hard because they just aren’t smart enough you think they can be even smater? How many of you have done this?

When are we going to stop thinking of ourselves for a moment or what our religion is going to think or what other people are going to think and just start thinking about our children!! You’re children need you!!! You’re children are the feature leaders of this world and instead of teaching hate or intolerance or being so hard on your kid because he or she is different, stand up for your child!! Stand up for your Childs rights. Stomp out the hatred from religion and from the world and let’s make this a world our child can grow up to say I am proud of. But we can’t do that unless someone takes a stand against religious hatred. Beliefs can change, religion can change. After all it has for many, many generations behind us and it will for many, many generations beyond us. But it starts with you, with me, with your children. Until then all we have is a religious war and it’s truly a shame because as someone who has studied world religion, there are some really beautiful things to be learned!

~F~

My Weight, My Story

2010-02-25T13:59:00.005-06:00

I have been sitting here for hours, trying to come up with the right words to tell my story about my weight gain and I am finding it rather difficult….

People have asked me to tell my story with my weight struggle and I always found myself asking this question “how do you tell people your story about your weight struggle, when you were never really struggling with the fact that you were fat?” I know what you are all thinking “how can one not struggle with being fat?” And to be quite honest physically speaking I didn’t. Did I gain weight yes, was I uncomfortable with the fact that I was fat no. You may be reading this thinking OMG what a weirdo and maybe I am, but my problem with weight never made me hate myself or look down upon myself because I was fat. I truly did love myself.

Maybe that has something to do with the fact that when I was a kid I always knew I was different, and when I realized why I was different (because I am gay) and going through the hardship of coming out and truly feeling comfortable with myself, I truly learned to love myself in the process. So my looks and my weight never really bothered me.

I had battled depression for a long time when I was younger, from the time I was 15 to the time I was 19. All having everything to do with my sexuality, the confusion I felt about who I was. I knew at a very young age that I was gay (around 5 or so) and having that weight on my shoulders really took its toll on me, but truthfully, it never made me eat emotionally, it never made me gain weight. In fact I was a pretty skinny kid growing up. Even in high school. I was always out and about I had a pretty active social life always with friends, movies, some parties, an occasional dance or two. I joined sports outside of school. I was active. My parents were good influences; they never had anything unhealthy in the house when I was growing up.

Back in the days of high school I was a runner. Track and field, and cross country mainly. So my weight never went over 120 lbs. I was pretty fast considering I was a smoker then, which I do believe did start to slow me down some and I think that’s when things started to change though because I was always getting sick.

In my sophomore year of high school I had pneumonia twice and every year I would get bronchitis and the level of activity decreased some, so I did start to pack on a few lbs. Not many though as I was still as active as I could be with getting sick often. Then in my senior year my whole life changed I got really sick, so sick that I practically had to miss half a semester of school for medical treatment. I lost a ton of weight and half my hair! When I got better, I was told by my doctor to put weight on because I was too skinny and still pretty weak. So I started eating a little more, but dealing with being sick, and dealing with going back to finish off my senior year of high school was pretty mind blowing, and I started feeling depressed again. Only this time though it was quite different. This time I was actually eating emotionally, something I had never done before throughout my whole battle with depression. I had been dealt a really big blow, when I was 18, I went from being alive and well to being sick and dying. I went from being sick and dying to being in recovery and emotionally depressed. I was still partially dealing with my sexuality and while I loved myself, and who I was, the incidents that occurred in my life sucked! And that can take a toll on a person both physically and mentally! And that’s what happened to me. It all took a toll!

That’s when the struggle portion really began. When I was 18 I gained some of the weight I had lost back from being sick. I went from being 109 lbs to 120 but it started to get worse from there. At 19 I had gained nearly 100 lbs so I was at around 220 lbs. At 21 I quit smoking and put on more weight and by the time I was age 24, I was at nearly 300 lbs, I weighed 295 lbs. Again it wasn’t a struggle with my size as I was never uncomfortable with being fat. For me it was a struggle for health. I was struggling with my health. I just did not feel good. I felt sluggish, tired, weighted down. I had headaches all the time. I felt like downright shit!

The 295 lbs was distributed evenly so I did not appear to be as heavy as I was. People always thought I weighed like 230-250ish and that was ok with me, but inside I was fighting an internal battle with my body. I was 24 soon to be 25 and was diagnosed with hypertension. I was like “dude, I am 24 stinking years old and I have high blood pressure!” I was also stressed out as could be and I know that stress did play a factor in it, but it was mostly my weight. I am 5’5 and shouldn’t weigh nearly 300 lbs! Though I was comfortable with my body as is, I was not feeling the greatest physically and this upset me. I was upset, and shocked at how I could have let myself actually weigh that much but mostly I was angry, angry at myself for letting myself get to that point, letting myself get sick after dealing with nearly losing my life when I was 18. That’s when my first wake up call happened.

I was tired of physically feeling like shit all the time. I knew I needed to turn my life around I needed to lose weight but not because I wanted to be skinny or look pretty in my skinny jeans, but because I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to feel good again. So I dieted, I dieted hard, and I dieted strong, I worked out, as hard as I could. I really pushed myself and it paid off, I got down to 180 lbs. I felt good again, I wasn’t tired, or achy and my blood pressure had gotten so much better that the doctor actually took me off my medication. The headaches were finally gone and I finally felt like I was on the right track. I felt good, I had energy, and I felt like I was a kid again.

Then after about a year real life things started to hit me one after another, with bad luck rearing its ugly head and taking its toll on me again. I found myself letting myself go again both physically and mentally and in that year I gained back 46 lbs of the weight that I had lost and that sluggish feeling was starting to come back again and my blood pressure was starting to spike again. My health was fading yet again.

This time though, I lost control of everything, my mind, my health, and my well being suffered. Only I didn’t realize I was spiraling downward again. So many things were going wrong in my life, that I lost every sense of control, emotionally, physically and mentally. Did I feel depressed this time? No. This time I was angry and bitter. I hated everything and everyone. I was angry at the world for dumping so much crap on my shoulder. I was angry at the world for making everything in my life go so wrong. I was so afraid of things that I just let go. I stopped living. So much so, that I felt I needed to lock myself away from the world. I was a zombie in every sense. I went out to school and to work but I had walls built up around me, refusing to let people in. I was not making any friends. I was bitter and I was actually quite a bitch, and all I did was complain about everything and I was eating again.

I got to a point where I actually hated myself, that had never happened to me before, I never hated myself! I was always so confident, so proud of who I was and what I believed in. I loved myself whole heartedly! Everything that I believed in was gone because I had broken my own spirit. I had let myself lose control. I let myself become unhealthy again and through this downhill battle suicide reared strong. I actually wanted to die and that scared me more than the fear of life fucking me over.

So when I hit that rock at the bottom of the barrel and I woke up from the cave that I had built around myself I knew I needed to start fresh. That’s when my second turn around happened; in fact it happened just a few weeks ago. I needed a soul search and while I was looking deep within myself trying to figure out why I had let myself get to that breaking point, I stumbled upon something.

I was at home watching “Biggest Loser” and Jillian Michaels was talking to a contestant who was afraid of water, and Jillian Brought this person into the pool and made her face her fears, and watching the determination of this small but mighty person and how she truly worked with this contestant and helped her to overcome that fear, I was inspired too. I was inspired to face my own fears and my own broken spirit and forced out of that trance and into an entire new life.

Jillian Michaels had always been an inspiration to me in a sense and maybe it was something powerful that made me watch that episode or maybe it was just an accident I still don’t know but it was indeed the wake up call that I needed to get out of my funk.

I figured if anyone could help me she could. So I went out and I bought some of her videos, and made every effort to clean up my diet. I am eating way more organic now than I was. I stopped drinking soda, I stopped eating crap. I eat a lot of leafy greens now, and more fruit than I use to. I started eating 3 meals per day and counting calories, and most importantly I started working out. And now not only do I feel better, I have more energy. The sluggishness is starting to fade. I feel good. I feel determined. I lost 7 lbs and most importantly I love myself again.

As a side note, I want to thank Jillian Michaels. Even though I have never met you personally, you truly are a hero to me, an inspiration. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for saving my life!

~F~

Look into someones heart first....

2010-02-16T11:43:00.001-06:00

If everyone could look past homosexuality, color of skin, race, and
religion and just for one second see the person inside then maybe just
maybe there could be peace on this planet. Insted we live behind these
walls that blind us by fear, that tell us that these people are not ok
cause they look like this or practice that or is with someoene that
only society tells us we shouldn't be with. I ask u this how is that
human? How is hatred of anyone moral? How is hatred ok in ANY Gods
eyes? The answer is simple...it's not!

Affirmations of FRD

2010-01-28T16:21:00.001-06:00

I am who I am.

I am Strong, confident, not afraid to speak my mind. I fight for what I believe in, and it gets me into trouble quite often but at the end of the day at least I can say I took a stand and fought for what I truly believed in.

I am a person of truth. I hate being lied to or lying to others, honesty is the best policy in my opinion. The truth will set you free they say.

I am a person of honor. If I say I will do something I usually do.

I am a person of humor. I make witty and sarcastic jokes, and when people laugh it makes me happy as laughter is the best medicine.

I love animals. I am passionate about helping them, it is what I strive to do. If see wrong being done to an animal, I fight for them. If I see them in pain I help them. If they need a home, I try and find them one. There is no greater love than the innocent love of an animal. Animals are selfless and they expect nothing in return and love you wholeheartedly and fully and to me there is nothing better.

I am a person of art. I make art, be it good or bad. To me it is a release of frustration a release of passion, fear, anger, love, hope and all emotion. If it’s good it’s good, if it’s bad it’s bad. I don’t care because what I make is a part of me and you don’t have to like it.

I like criticism in an effective manner. If you’re mean, it offends me. If you are honest, and offer help on how I can improve, then I take it and work with it.

I make photographs. They aren’t often good, I snap what I see and don’t care if it’s in perfect working order. If I like it, I wanna capture it, if it’s a bit out of focus or technically off then oops my bad! But as long as I have some aspect of that memory to keep then to me any bad photograph is worth taking.

I try not to dwell in the past and live in the here and now, but I admit I’m guilty of the dwelling. I sometimes hold grudges, but to be fair to myself and the people I begrudge it is most likely for a very good reason.

I admit when I am wrong and apologize.

I hate wearing dresses or flashy clothes; I am most comfortable in my baggy jeans and a hoddie shirt.

I hate makeup and fussing with my hair.

I wear ankle socks and love em!

I am a nerd, I have contacts but prefer my glasses.

I procrastinate with things that pertain to myself. Not because I don’t want to do them but because I like to procrastinate.

I am a person of love. Love is the best thing in the world that anyone can give. If we all learned to love one another, the world will be a better place.

I someday want to travel the world, to places like Africa, South Africa, and Haiti as well as the rest of the world. I want to immerse myself in the different cultures that exist, learn about worldly ways of life.

I support equality for all. Religion, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, race or political backgrounds don’t matter to me. We are all one people and we should learn to treat each other as such.

I believe that music is the soul. It soothes the soul, calms the soul and illuminates the soul.

I want to go to Antarctica because it would be fascinating to see the coldest place on the planet.

I hate the cold, but love looking at cold scenery. The snow and ice make things quite beautiful at times.

I wanna live amongst the movie stars not because I want to be rich and famous, but because I want to see how real they are when they aren’t on tv.

I want to live someplace warm, when the sun always shines and the birds always sing.

I will be rich and famous, not because I want to be but because I have been patient enough and endured all kinds of hell to get there but even if I am not, it doesn’t matter to me as money isn’t everything.

Medicine, Veterinatry Medicine, Biology, Science and Evolution all fascinate me. I strive to learn how medicine works, how virus’ are constructed, how the body fights a cold and how humans came to be. All of it, its just astoundingly amazing to me.

I believe in God but not in religion. I pray every single night for the same 4 people and my 2 dogs.

I’m not beautiful or ugly, just me.

I am a bit overweight but I love myself just the way I am.

I love whole heartedly and with every fiber of my being.

I am sensitive yet strong.

I am deep.

I am spirited.

I am feisty

I am sensitive

I am me

I am Filly D’Inverno

Today

2010-01-28T12:14:00.003-06:00

Before I post my first written piece of 2010. I just want to say that this poem, may appear to be one of suicide and I just want to clarify that while my spirit is crushed I do not want to die. I just want today to be over with. So while you read this, and it is a sad one keep that in mind and please don't send me a 1,000 emails asking me if I am ok. I am, just a bit shattered today.

“Today”

It hurts today…

My world faded to gray

Hopeless

Lifeless

My spirit shattered and crushed today

I feel lost today

Blinking back tears

Consumed by the overpowering thoughts of sadness and despair

I don’t know why today

I don’t know how today

Maybe I should run away today…

It hurts today…

Goodbye Today….

~F~

A moment for Haiti

2010-01-13T14:45:00.003-06:00

In our everyday lives we like to rant, bitch moan and complain about our hectic lives, and all the shit that goes wrong and we often forget that there are real tragedies and real life disasters out there.

Its disasters like the one that is happening right now in Haiti that sometimes often put things into perspective for some people but for most people they just get on and about with their lives.

I am asking anyone who comes onto this blog today to stop for a moment and say a prayer or send your good thoughts to the people over in Haiti, forget about your petty drama for a second and pray for those poor helpless people whose lives have been destroyed by this natural disaster. Pray for them, and their families, pray for their children, their pets, those who lost their lives, those who were injured, those who lost their homes. If you can send them money, donate blood, send them clothes, food. Do whatever you can to help those in who right now desperately need it.

To my friends in Haiti, my thoughts and prayers are with you. To those that have lost someone, my heart goes out to you. May you find comfort and hope in your times of need.

~F~

The Drive Home

2010-01-07T16:43:00.003-06:00

I was going t post this as one of the photos for Project 365 but I ended up using a different one for that day. This is taken by my house, there is a mental institution in the back of it but this land is actually protected Marsh Land. Its quite a peaceful and calm photo, and the colors are so pretty.

Think Before You Speak

2010-01-06T23:05:00.003-06:00

This is one of the best commercials I have ever seen.

Project 365, 2010

2010-01-06T13:29:00.003-06:00

A few days ago I was inspired to take pictures of something only I was drawing a blank. So I posted a message on my facebook page for ideas or concepts I could photograph when I got a reply from a friend of mine to told out about Project 365. Project 365 was started by Taylor McKnight back in 2004. He documented his life in photographs day by day using only one photograph per day.

I am going to try to accomplish a similar feeling. My photographs will depict my day to day moods, whats going on in my life, my travels to work, home or school, my life with my family, friends and pets, inspiration for new artwork and other things that will just trigger my mind to take a picture. I encourage anyone who is intrested in taking photographs to start a project like this because when I was reading about Taylor's project he stated that it does indeed help you become a better photographer and thats in addition to looking back on your year and seeing the photographs that you took, which in itself is also a wonderful thing.

So check it out here at Project 365

Please do not hesitate to comment on any of the photographs as I encourage it and welcome new ideas, and tips.

The Beginning

2010-01-04T13:28:00.004-06:00

Have you ever had someone in your life that just made your heart skip a beat? That gave you butterflies every single time they were near? That just made you feel whole? Did you ever have anyone that you felt all that for and sometimes felt that they didn't feel the same? Then that one special moment when you're staring into their eyes, you realize that you're both falling in love. The beginning of that love is just amazing....This song kinda says that, gets me all choked up. Check out the lyrics below and perhaps take a gander at the song when you get a chance.

Love to all

~F~

The Beginning By Alice Peacock

Verse 1
Step out with me into the great unknown
The world's at our feet, let's make it our home
I'm looking at you with the stars up above
It must be true; we're falling in love

Chorus
Look at us now – it took so long to find out
This is the beginning...of our new life
Baby keep holding on
It's time to start living and open our eyes
Open our eyes…

Verse 2
Sometimes it seems to too good to be true
Feels like a dream just being with you
Cuz’ I never thought that I'd get enough
But I'm satisfied and filled with your love

Chorus
Look at us now – took so long to find out
This is the beginning...of our new life
Baby keep holding on
It's time to start living and open our eyes
Open our eyes…

Bridge
I'd swim the oceans, yeah all 7 seas
Just to show you the scope of what you mean to me
I would shout it out loud
In the midst of a crowd
You’re everything to me now…

Chorus
This is the beginning...of our new life
Baby keep holding on
It's time to start living and open our eyes
Open our eyes…

(repeat)

Spruce up Cheap Holiday Ornaments!

2009-12-09T13:21:00.001-06:00

I am going to explain to you two simple ways of sprucing up some plain holiday ornaments. If you are trying to decorate your house you know that you cannot always find ornaments in the colors you wish to use. Other times packages of ornaments can be rather pricey so you decide to ether go for the pricey packages or you don’t both situations leaving you a bit frustrated.

I recently bought a white Holiday Tree and my plan was to decorate it using blue, silver and black ornaments, the blue and silver ornaments were easy to find, but when it came time to find black ornaments I could not find any for the life of me! So I decided to go search the dollar store near my house for some cheap inexpensive ornaments that I could spruce up.

What you need for both projects

1.Cheap holiday Ornaments from a dollar store or any other discount store colored and clear.

2. Salt

3. Colored Pastels

4. Spray paint.

5. Clothes line

6. Respirator or mask of some sort

7. Newspaper or some computer paper scraps

8. Super glue

9. Clothes pins.

10. Mono filament or some heavy duty string.

Project 1

For the first project you will need a can of spray paint, a respirator or mask, some clothes line, clothes pins, mono filament or heavy duty string and of course some cheap dollar store ornaments.

You don’t have to sand the ornaments as they will hold the color pretty well, but if you would like to a soft light sanding will always help the paint adhere better.

Now be sure to do this in a well ventilated area and put your mask or respirator on. Hang up your clothes line from one end of something solid to another and make sure it is secure. If you line dry your clothes you can skip this step as you probably already have a clothes line all hung.

Next take your ornaments and string a piece of mono filament or heavy duty string through the part where you would normally put the hook and hang them from the line by the mono filament or string.

You may want to place something underneath the ornaments because while you spray them they will drip. If you don’t mind getting paint allover the area you are spraying, then you can skip this step. But a good drop cloth or some newspaper should work just fine.

Next standing about 4-5 inches away from the ornaments spray the ornaments and as you spray them they will spin so you don’t have to turn them much. If you notice they are not spinning just give them a quick twirl and they shall spin, this will ensure that you get a pretty even coat of spray paint.

Once you are done spraying let them dry for about 10 minutes and examine them for any parts that you have missed, then spray on a second coat. Let dry again for another 10 minutes and examine again, if they need another coat, then give them another coat, if not then just let them dry, they should be fully dry to the touch in about 1-2 hours depending on weather conditions in your area.

Let them cure for a full 24 hours though before placing them on your treat.

Here is an image of the end result

Project 2

For the next project you will need a package of clear, see through, ornaments, they can be plastic or glass, the plastic ones work better as they are much lighter than the glass ones. You need a large container of salt, and some colored charcoal, or chalk and either scrap newspaper or computer paper.

The first step in this is to lay out your paper or newspaper all over your surface that you will be working on.

Second take an ornament and take the part that the hook would normally hang from out. Fill the ornaments with salt to the top and then dump it out on your newspaper or scrap computer paper in my case I used both. I used the newspaper to cover the surface and the computer paper to color my salt on.

Next dump the salt onto the paper and spread it out. Take a piece of charcoal and start coloring the salt, you only need to run it over the salt a few times. Then take the salt and move it around into the pigment from the charcoal until you see that the salt is no longer white.

Once your salt is all colored you refill the ornament and simply stick the part that the hook would hang from back into the ornament. If you would like to simply keep it that way you can, or you can make them more permanent by adding glue to that little part and then sticking them back into the ornament. (Note if you do this, you can no longer re-move the salt, should you wish to change the color)

The end result

Let Love In

2009-12-02T15:57:00.002-06:00

Why does it always have to be about sexual orientation, gender, color, race, creed, religion, politics? Why cant it for once be about the human person, the human heart? Why is it so difficult to find love within yourself for your fellow human being? There isn't enough love to go around as it is, so why shoot the ones who have it down? Why kick them when their high? Why hate? Why punish someone solely for their differences?

To anyone who has ever uttered a derogatory comment to a person different from yourself, ask yourself this , ask yourself, is it truly worth it? Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in their shoes? To be called names such as "nigger" if your African American, "spick" if your Mexican, "fag or dyke" if you're gay or lesbian, "dego" if your Italian, "dothead " if you're Hindu, "polock " if your Polish, and there are so many more I could name, but just by reading those, any person with any moral sense of humanity can see that they are wrong. NO one deserves to be called any of those names. NO ONE!

Ask yourself what makes anyone of a different religion or race, color , gender, or sexual oritentation different from anyone of us? Because if you truly look, if you truly open your eyes and see whats standing there right in front of you, you would see that no matter what, we are all the same, inside. We all have one heart that beats, one brain that keeps us alive. Some of us may be a different color, some of us may be missing an organ, or a hand or have another physical deformity, some us us practice different religions, or love those that are the same gender as we are. But inside, inside, we all have the same color blood, we all have one heart that keeps that blood flowing and one brain that keeps our bodies powered. Why? Because we are all human. Look inside the soul of someone you spent years hating upon, because you thought they were different, and maybe, just maybe you might make a new friend. How would you know the type of life a person leads if you dont give them a change to be a part of yours.

This isn't about being gay or lesbian. This isn't about being white, black, mexican or of any other decent. This isn't isnt about whether you believe in God or Allah, but its about love, its about tolerance, it's about respecting your fellow humans and learning to love one another as we are. We need to stop the hate, we need to stop killing each other for stupid reasons, we need to stop waging wars on other countries in the name of power, greed, or god and we just need to look inside one another and learn to love one another, because without love, we have nothing. You could have every thing in the world but without love, and it can be any kind of love, friendship, a pet, family, or a lover, but with out love, you are empty.

So to the people out there trying to ban gay marriage, to the people out there trying to use religion as their defense against it, to the people who are just downright racist, against others, to those that hate based on religion, open up your hearts, let that love in. Make friends with your gay neighbor, or your Muslim coworker, give somebody a chance. JUST SPREAD LOVE and maybe together we can abolish the hate!

~F~

My Artist Statement

2009-12-01T15:59:00.001-06:00

My Artist Statement

Passionate about different things and always running around crazy I tend to shy away from the natural rules of art, and instead focus more on what comes from inside of me. I guess you can say I’m a bit of a rule breaker. Instead of being very literal with my work, I tend to lean more towards the abstract side of things. This allows for others to interpret my work as they see fit, which I like because when I paint or draw I may be thinking one thing when I am doing it, but when someone else is looking at the project, they can see or visualize something completely different and hearing what others interpret of the work is just as interesting to me then the actual process of creating it. The abstract world also allows me to express myself in a way that the literal world does not.

I use a variety of different mediums in my works from your common everyday pencil to more eccentric mediums, such as found pieces of metals and wood. I feel that this gives my artwork, not only an interesting story to tell but a lot of visual depth. I also utilize the damaged or bad photographs I have taken. I guess you can say that to me there is no such thing as a bad photograph because what is completely wrong technically is a new form of art to me.

Celebrity Crush of the Day November 5, 2009 Robin Roberts

2009-11-05T16:15:00.003-06:00

Robert Roberts

A courageous woman with such an amazing smile. I absolutely adore Robin and love watching her on my TV every morning!

Celebrity Crush of the Day November 4, 2009 Rachael Shelley

2009-11-04T16:13:00.001-06:00

Rachael Shelley

Just looking at this woman makes my heart go pitter pat! I tend to be reduced to a blubbering, drooling fool whenever this woman makes her way onto my tv screen. YUM!